I have never really been one to read parenting books, sure I read the What To Expect book during my first pregnancy that everyone
reads, and then the next one throughout my baby boy's first year....
but that was about it.
But then they were put back on the shelf or I gave them to friends, donated them...never to be looked at again.
It's not that I think I already know it all, because I most certainly do not, but there are so many opinions out there and ways of thinking and parenting philosophies and each "expert" is just another person with an opinion.
And deep down I really just think that this whole parenting thing is not something that can be learned in a book anyway... it's one of those learn-as-you-go kind of jobs.
And sometimes that really sucks.
Lately I have found myself questioning myself on so many things in this parenting job, mostly with my oldest.
Is this just normal 7 1/2 year old stuff?
Am I too hard on him?
Is he old enough to be worrying about these things?
Am I trying to protect him from too much?
Am I just scared to let go--even just a little bit?
What am I afraid of?
A lot of it comes down to fear.
I am scared of failing, scared of letting go, worried I have not done a good enough job, worried that this responsibility
just keeps getting bigger... and bigger and really I just want to run screaming back to the younger years
where things are simpler even though you think they are so hard-- but then again I don't because I
love who my kids are right now, too, and although the growing up part is scary I also love to see who they are becoming right before my eyes.
I am worried that I really don't know what the hell I am doing a lot of the time.
Scared that I am not going to be able to protect these two from all the big and little things I want to
protect them from... scared of losing control of all the decisions and influences and friends, of not
being the one they look to for the answers... and the questions....
It wears me out just typing what goes through my head.
See, a whole lot of time has been spent in my head lately, probably too much.
I know it is because he is getting older, growing and changing, just little things here and there, slowly but I see them
because I am the mom.
This summer has been a big growing stage for him...and it just reminds me of all that there is to come.
If I think about it all too much it can really freak me out.
So, I think I will just leave the parenting books right on the shelf where they are.
What I really need is just a beer(or six)and a good talk with my girl friends and moms of kids older
than mine that can reassure me and tell me that it is all going to be okay and I have not done any major permanent damage.
And I have a little more time before I need to worry about sexting and texting and social media ....
and it's normal to freak out occasionally about how to raise good people in this crazy, crazy world.
So I am going to love them and teach them and try to be more patient and learn as I go.
And I am meeting my friends for that beer tonight.
Wait-- I'm not gonna lie; beers.
I feel a little better already, thanks for listening.
And please tell me I am not alone in all of this?
No, really, leave me a comment and tell me that I am not alone and that you worry about
all of this too, and more.
I'd appreciate that and it would help me feel less crazy.
ps- my boy makes the cutest little Indiana Jones ever, doesn't he?